jessicasonline

Title: Halo (40 Steps To The Moon)

Fandom: The Academy Is…, Cobra Starship

Rating: PG 13 / R (depends on how picky you want to be with details)

Characters/Pairing(s): Gabe / William (duh), implied Travis / William

Disclaimer: I do not own Gabe, William, or Beyonce. It’d be nice, but I don’t. None of this never happened. Neither Gabe nor William have an eating disorder (although I have my thoughts about Gabe’s drinking…). None of it happened. Or at least to my knowledge it didn’t. Anything about eating disorders and alcoholism came from books, so excuse the inaccuracy. Hospitalization is personal experience.

Warning: Um… boy kissing, implied eating disorder, implied alcoholism, implied suicide attempt, moderate swearing, whatever else you can come up with.

Summary: I can see your halo and know that you’re my saving grace.

Beta: breathedeep222 (thanks a ton, darlin’)

A/N: Lyrics credits-- Halo by Beyonce Knowles and 40 Steps by William Beckett. There’s also a small All American Rejects part that if you know the song, you’ll recognize it.

* * * * *

There are some things that are too beautiful for words to some people. Sunsets, paintings, flowers, gems, money, music, a creation. The words are taken from their lips, only left with gaping mouths and stopped breath. Too beautiful, too precious, too… anything to put into words. The most beautiful thing I’d ever seen was an angel.
I watched the angel sleep in my bed, while I sat in a chair in the corner of the room. I watched as his chest rose and fell, long arms and legs sprawled out across the bed. The sun shone through the window, bathing him in sunlight. I brought my knees to my chest and folded into myself, watching him sleep, thinking about, well, him. This man, this angel that had been placed into my life, making me grateful for every day since…
“Gabe?” I looked up. Bill propped himself up on his elbows and squinted, smiling. “Why are you over there?” I shrugged. “Well, come here.” I stood up and slid onto the bed, resting my head on my pillow. Bill pressed against my side and kissed my cheek. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” I wrapped my arms around him. He yawned, it was so cute. He looked up at me.
“What’s wrong?”
“I love you.” he smiled.
“I love you too, Gabe.”
“No, I mean, I really, really… I love you.” he smirked.
“I really, really love you too.”
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why do you love me.” I bit my lip in frustration. I hated how insecure I had become.
“Who knows why we love anyone. I love you because you’re… you.” he said bluntly, before kissing my cheek again and standing up. “Hungry?” I shook my head. I watched the worry flash past his eyes, before he left the room. I curled back up into a ball and faced the wall, feeling scared and alone.

* * *
“Gabe! Gabe!” their voices echoed through the silver coated bathrooms of another venue, another place that would go by as a complete blur. I was hiding. I had to hide from their worry, their judgment, their anger. I couldn’t stand anyone mad at me. I couldn’t take the judgment. I couldn’t bear to let anyone worry about me.
I looked down into the porcelain mess I had made. The contents of my dinner, half had made it, half hadn’t. It was horrible. I cupped my hand to my face and smelt my breath. Horrible. I looked at the cup of vodka in my hand, which was shaking so hard I could barely bring it to my lips. When I did, I began to cry. Absolutely horrible.
My band mates and friends continued to call my name.
* * *
“Gabe, Gabe, sweetheart.” I screamed from being startled. Bill jumped back, then rushed back to hug me again. “Shh, Gabe, you had a nightmare.”
“God fucking damn it…” I could feel the tears rolling down my face, but I couldn’t feel myself crying. I hated that feeling.
“Calm down, baby. Come on, shh.” Bill rubbed my back softly, shushing me while I cried silently like I had done so many times. I crawled into his lap like a little fucking kid, but I felt like an idiot because I was slightly bigger than Bill. He cradled me no less, patting my hair while I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling so helpless. “It’s okay, it’s all over, it’s all over.”
We both knew that the battle I was facing would never be over.
* * *
You’re a disgusting, ugly pig, I thought as I ran my hands over my stomach. There was still something there. I could feel my ribs now, but I wanted to feel the organs. I wanted to feel myself. Then I would destroy the rest, get rid of the organs, let them waste away to nothing. I’d be bone and flesh. And I’d look amazing.
“Gabe?” the door to the venue bathroom swung open, Ryland stood in the doorway. “I thought you’d be in-- what are you doing?”
“Nothing, son, nothing. How long until we go on?”
“I don’t know. What’s going on?”
“Nothing!” he looked at my red plastic cup, sitting on the counter.
“Gabe, we’re all really worried about you.”
“Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be. I’m a big boy, I can handle myself. Just fuck off, Ryland. All of you just fuck off.” I grabbed the cup and left the bathroom. I knew I would regret those words.
* * *
“I made some coffee. Want some?” I nodded weakly, sitting down across from him at the island. He grabbed two cups and poured, then handed me a black one. I sipped it absentmindedly. “Do you want to do anything today? I have to go buy groceries, do you want to come with me?” I shook my head. Bill reached across the island and stroked my hair. “You know I love you.” I nodded and sipped my coffee. He sighed and looked into the fridge. “Do you want Travis or someone to come over to the apartment while I run some errands?” I shrugged.
I was still unstable. I still couldn’t be by myself while Bill ran out. I started to worry about him never coming back, that he didn’t want me anymore, he’d leave me all alone. Then I’d think about how I used to deal with loneliness, and the memories would flood back… and our neighbor would be pounding on the door, his wife trying to calm me down while I cried in a corner until Bill came back. It was pathetic.
“I’ll call Trav, okay?” I nodded.
“When do you leave?” he looked at the clock.
“Whenever he comes over. Want me to make you some breakfast?” I shrugged.
“Not really hungry.”
“Eat some fruit.” he grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and set it in front of me. I looked at it with secret disgust, but picked it up and took a bite. Bill walked around the island and hugged me. “Thank you.”
“No problem.” I took another bite, chewing it slowly.
“I’m gonna take a shower. Are you going to be okay?” I nodded. “Okay. Hey.” I looked up at him. He kissed me, smiled, and walked down the hall. I smiled at him, then pulled out my phone and called Travis.
“Yo,” he mumbled.
“Hey Travie.”
“Hey Gabe. What’s up?”
“Can you come over? Bill has to run errands.”
“Oh, yeah, sure man. I’ll be over in a half hour.”
“Okay, thanks.” I hung up and ate the apple. I threw the core in the trash and walked down the hall to the bathroom, where the shower was running. Bill was singing, I stopped in my tracks to listen to him.
“Un-kept and over-caffeinated I'd walk the 40 steps to the moon, back to the moon You say you don't believe in science. Your always ashamed of what your willing to lose. But I would follow you anywhere. But where were you that night when I was…”
“Um, Bill?” I said sheepishly, regretting it. I hated making him stop singing.
“Yeah, baby?”
“Travis is coming.”
“You called him?”
“Yeah.” the shower stopped, the curtain was pulled back. Oh, hello.
“Oh…” he smiled and stepped out of the shower, and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. It had been a long time since I’d seen Bill… like that.
“You know,” he whispered. “We haven’t done anything in a while. I miss you.” I kissed him, and it wasn’t long before he was gently pushing me into the shower and pulling the curtain behind us.
* * *
I am trashed. I am trashed and I am loving it. I am trashed, having great sex with some nameless faceless girl, and I’m loving it.
Why was there a girl underneath me? I was gay. I was gay and I knew that. But I was fucking trashed to the point where I didn’t care. I was too skinny and weak to care where I stuck my dick, at that point. And the girl, who could barely pass for 18, couldn’t care less because she was getting fucked by Gabe Saporta.
I was so out of it, I was past the point of caring about who I was hurting, or feeling guilty at all. Bill was a distant memory. My friends were nonexistent. It was just me and this random girl in this random town, all alone, sexing it up.
The depression was getting unbearable. The alcohol was making my body swim, making it shake, destroying what was left of me. I was practically nothing anymore. Just a waste of who I really was.
I could barely deal with myself anymore.
* * *
I jolted awake, hitting my head on the side of the bathtub. I cursed, rubbed the back of my head and looked around. I must’ve fallen asleep in the bathtub, how weird. I looked down and realized I was covered with a blanket. I stood up, put my underwear and pants on and covered my shoulders with the blanket. I heard voices, Bill and Travis’s voices.
“… so hard, Travis.”
“I know, Bill, I know.” I walked into the living room and stopped in my tracks. Bill was pressed into Travis’s chest, crying softly, mumbling to Travis. Travis had his arms around Bill’s waist. I watched in horror as Travis kissed Bill’s forehead.
“FUCKING BASTARD!” I screamed. Travis jumped away from Bill with wide eyes.
“Gabe--” I pushed Travis against the wall and punched his nose. “YOU LITTLE FUCKER!”
“Gabe, stop!” I whipped around and grabbed his shoulders.
“FUCK YOU! I don’t fucking need you, you cheating asshole! I don’t fucking need you! I may have needed you, but I don’t now! I don’t need YOU, I don’t need TRAVIS, I don’t need ANY OF YOU!” I was shaking him. He tried to squirm away, but I was shaking him too hard. “You’re a mother fucking cheating bastard! How could you--”
“GABE!!!” Travis grabbed my shoulder, holding his nose.
“GET THE FUCK OFF ME!” I broke from Travis, practically threw Bill and ran back into the bathroom, locking the door.

* * *
“Gabe! Gabe! Open the fucking door! Please!” I fiddled with Nate’s Swiss Army knife, flipping it out, then flipping it back in, then out again. I watched it catch the dim bathroom light.
I’d had enough with myself. The starving, the drinking, and the betrayal. I was nothing. I was all bones and skin, I thought I’d be happy this way. But I wasn’t. I was fucking miserable and drunk all the time, having sex with underage girls and boys, lying, cheating, fighting with myself on who I was and who I was supposed to be. I fucking hated myself. I was sick of hurting everyone.
I looked at my millionth red cup, half-full of vodka and Red Bull. I picked it up and threw it at the bathroom door, screaming. I was crying too, I could tell, there were water spots on my jacket. I couldn’t feel the tattoos anymore.
“GABE! OPEN THIS MOTHER FUCKING DOOR!!!” pounding, loud pounding. Someone was trying to break down the door. It sounded like Travis and Alex. They were both strong guys. I didn’t have much time. I looked down at my suicide note, telling everyone that I was sorry that I had to put them through what they did. I said I was sorry to the fans. I told Bill I loved him.
“GABE!!! PLEASE!!! OPEN THE DOOR!!!” I could hear Vicky and Bill crying. I rolled up my sleeves, tears rolling down my face.
“Adios.” I brought the blade to my wrist and make a clean draw as the door was knocked in.
“GABE! NO!!!”
* * *
“Gabe… open the door… let me explain.”
“Fuck, Bill, my nose…” Travis was fucking whining. I looked down at my left wrist, the scar still plenty visible after a year and a half. It mocked me, reminding me of my lowest of lows.
I should’ve remembered Travis and Bill’s history. Why couldn’t I see it before? Travis… he was my best friend. He saved my life. He was the only one to know what to do when I slit my wrist. Without him, I really would’ve been dead.
Why was he backstabbing me? Why was he kissing Bill when he knew what mental state I was in?
Did Bill want it?
“Hold on, Trav, I’ll get something.” Bill said, sniffling. I heard his footsteps fade.
“Gabe?” Travis said softly. “Man, can you let me in?”
“Fuck off.”
“Will you listen to me.”
“Why should I?”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, man. You’re my bro.”
“How could you kiss Bill?”
“Fuck, let me in, Gabe.” I stood up from the bathtub and unlocked the door. Travis grabbed a towel from the linen closet, pressed it to his nose and sat down on the toilet.
“I was just trying to calm him down, man. Look, you know I’m always going to have feelings for Bill. That’s a fucking given. I never like seeing him cry. I just came in, and he looked so… broken.”
“I put a lot of stress on him, don’t I?” Travis shrugged.
“He really loves you, Gabe.”
“I don’t deserve all he does for me, you know? He’s my solid ground. I love him.”
“He’d do fucking anything for you.” I remember the note he gave me.
“Yeah, I know.”
* * *
“Gabriel?” I looked up from my deck of cards I was shuffling. My new friend, Max, sat across from me. I tried to keep his attention on the game. He was manically depressed.
“Yeah?” I didn’t like the on-call nurse, Wendy. She didn’t call me Gabe. She had it that in her mind everyone that went through the mental health ward was a six year old and we needed to be called by our full names.
“William is here to see you.” I stood up, patted Max on the back and followed Wendy down the long wide hallway to the door. She turned around and pointed, telling me that I couldn’t go very far. I knew that. I stood there and tapped my foot impatiently.
There he was. He slipped in through the door, jacket wrapped tight around himself. He looked scared to be here. But God, I was grateful to see him.
“Bill… Bill…” Bill saw me, smiled, and jogged to me. I wrapped my arms around him, wincing when I touched my cut.
“Hey, love.” he mumbled in my ear, kissing my temple. I could feel myself shaking with suppressed sobs.
“I missed you.” he laced our fingers together.
“I missed you too. Come on, let’s sit down.” we sat down on one of the ugly hospital couches. I automatically fell into his side, cuddling into him. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and rubbed it gently. “How’s your eating?”
“I’m getting better. I got through a whole meal.”
“That’s great, Gabe! I’m proud! Are you taking your meds?”
“They make me.” I grumbled.
“They’ll help you, I promise. How are you without alcohol?”
“I feel like fucking shit.” he smiled and patted my hair.
“It’s okay. It’ll get better. I’m here for you, we all are.”
“How’s everyone dealing with this? How are the fans?” his smile fell.
“There’s a lot of mixed feelings with the fans. Some are supportive, some don’t believe it, some are just assholes.”
“I’m thankful for the supportive ones.” he nodded. “How’s all our friends?”
“Kind of like the fans. Supportive, non-believing… assholes.” I nodded and laid my head on his shoulder.
“I hate it here. I never thought I could hate a place so much as I do here. Yeah, people are nice, but God, Bill… this is rock fucking bottom. Like, I’m in a mental ward. Where the real crazies are. It’s hard to wrap my head around. Have you talked to the insurance company?” he nodded and bit his lip. “This is costing me, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck. Why am I even here? I don’t need to be here! I really don’t! I’m such a fucking whiny pussy.” I buried my nose in his shoulder. “This place is full of people who feed you bullshit, making you think there’s a bright future. It doesn’t feel like it when you can’t go outside. I’ve never appreciated touring more than my time here. I have to look out of a fucking window. I can barely feel the warmth… I just want to get out.” he kissed the top of my head.
“I know, Gabe. I wrote you something.” he pulled a piece of blue notebook, from his writing journal, out of his jacket pocket. I sat up and unfolded it.

Soft light, total silence
So tired as you take the table near the door, the table near the door
Sat back, undefiant, only as stable as I choose to show, if I choose to show
But where were you that night when I was.

“Well I feel that this is an explosion
That nobody else could ever really know
But I would follow you anywhere
You say you don't believe in science
Your always afraid of what you can't control
I would follow you anywhere
But where were you that night when I was...

When I was calling for the answer that you probably shouldn't know
Well it feels like flames surrounding me here.
When you were calling with your question when all I needed was to know
Well it feels like flames surrounding me here.

Un-kept and over-caffeinated
I'd walk the 40 steps to the moon, back to the moon
You say you don't believe in science
Your always ashamed of what your willing to lose
But I would follow you anywhere
But where were you that night when I was...

When I was calling for the answer that you probably shouldn't know
Well it feels like flames surrounding me here.
When you were calling with your question when all I needed was to know
Well it feels like flames surrounding me here.

So this is it, so this is it
So this is the silence, so this is the silence we began
It's never quite, it's never quite over, it's never quite over in the silence.

When I was calling for the answer that you probably shouldn't know
Well it feels like flames surrounding me here.
When you were calling with your question when all I needed was to know
Well it feels like flames surrounding me here.

Gabe-- Everyday that I see you in pain, drunk, hurting yourself, was a day that I’m hurting too. The days I see you happy, actually happy, are the best memories I have of you. The early days, when you were confident and beautiful and we were so in love. When I didn’t care about Travis’s feelings or our friends or our families, when it was just you and me against the world.
When you started to spiral, I argued with everyone, including myself. No one understood why I stuck with you when you were destroying yourself. I really didn’t know. Maybe because you were the first person to make me feel like… something after my dad passed. You made me feel loved, accepted for the weird guy I am. I can never repay you for that.
I almost gave up on you. I almost gave up on myself. One night after a show in Tuscaloosa, I stood on roof of the venue with Mike, and we talked about a lot of things. You, me, and what it would be like to just jump from the top of the building. I stood on the ledge, looked down and shivered. It was a scary thought, dying. Leaving you. Leaving everyone.
When all of us found you in the bathroom with your wrist cut, I didn’t know what to think. You know I tried to support you. All I could think is, ‘where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?’ It broke my heart, watching Travis wrap up your wrist, sobbing.
We all worry about you. No one, I think, as much as I do. You fucking amaze me, Gabriel Eduardo. You’re beauty in my eyes. You’re absolutely… you. Words can’t describe how I see you. I know that if I didn’t have you, I don’t know where I would be in my life.
I’d go anywhere and do anything for you, Gabe. You know why? Because I love you. I really do love you. We’ll get through this, I know we can. I don’t know how, but if it’s you and me against the world, then so be it. If the world comes down, and if I have you beside me, I’ll be okay. --William 
* * *
“Gabe? Travis?” Bill knocked on the door softly. “I have an ice pack and some water… Gabe I’m so fucking sorry, I really am. I just--” I stood up from the bathtub and opened the door, and pulled Bill into me.
“I love you. I’m sorry. For everything. You know you’re my saving grace, right?” I held him while he cried, his arms wrapped around me. He was shaking. I pressed him close and let him cry for once, he was the one that needed taking care of this time.
We got Travis cleaned up and sent him home. When he left, I sat down on the couch and Bill curled up next to me. I told him to talk to me about the past year. He did.
“I never know how you’re going to be with me, Gabe. I’m trying so hard to be the perfect boyfriend, the one that’ll always be there to fix you. Some days… I don’t know. I feel like… God, Gabe…”
“Bill, it’s fine.”
“It’s hard to put how I feel into words.”
“I know it is.” I nuzzled into his hair.
“We’ll work on this. Together.”
There are some things that are too beautiful for words. As my angel sat next to me, I could only pray he, the most beautiful thing I’d been blessed to have in my life, would never leave.

Remember those walls I built,
Well baby they’re tumbling down.
They didn’t even put up a fight,
They didn’t even make a sound.
I found a way to let you in,
But I never really had a doubt.
Standing in the light of your halo,
I got my angel now.

Everywhere I’m looking now,
I’m surrounded by your embrace.
Baby I can see your halo,
And know you’re my saving grace.
You’re everything I need and more,
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo,
And pray it won’t fade away

Title: Love Bug [I Can See Your Halo]

Rating/Word: PG-13 (R at one point for implied sex) / 4,961

Characters/Pairing(s): Patrick Stump / Charie, Gabe / Bill, Travis / Me (Jessica)

Disclaimer/Warning: I only own half of this pairing, my beautiful wife Charie. Oh, and the story line. I do not own Patrick, the Jonas Brothers, Gabe or William, etc. I’d like to own Nick Jonas, but hey, I want a orange unicorn too. And all my friends to go vegan. And the ability to sing. (Read: Never gonna happen.) Title from Jonas Brother’s “Lovebug” and Beyonce’s “Halo”.

Summary: You’re beautiful, but you don't even try.

A/N: (Charie: I hated letting go of Jai Ho. But it had to be done! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!)

* * * * *

Oh my God, what was going on with me?! There was this insane pull on my chest as I walked away from Lucy and Parker to go home, and I felt like I was getting repetitively kicked in the stomach. I really, really liked them, and it sucked to walk away. But this… this… this was something that I had no clue about. I’d never felt like this before. So when I got home, I called my best friend and my ‘common sense.’

“Hello?”

“Chizz!”

“Mike, bloody hell! I just got here an hour ago!” Michael wasn’t flying back to Australia for another week, so he was staying with his friend in New York.

“Sorry. But there’s this girl, Lucy.”

“Oh yeah, Sisky said that was why you almost killed him during sound check last night. I never saw her. What about her?” I explained everything: How we met, how we met AGAIN, Parker, how I couldn’t get her out of my head. “She has a son? Does that cause any alarm to you?”

“No, actually. He’s the sweetest little kid ever, not like a little brat or anything. I really don’t care that Lucy has a son, you know I love kids.”

“She’s probably looking for a father for her kid.”

“DON’T YOU EVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT ABOUT HER AGAIN! OR I’LL KICK! YOUR! AUSSIE! ASS! BECAUSE SHE ISN’T!”

“Sorry, sorry!!! Man, you like this girl.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“Do you believe in love-at-first-sight, soul mates, shit like that?”

“Come on, man, you know I don’t. Not after the whole JoAnne fiasco.” JoAnne was a girl that I dated for about two years. I loved her, I thought I was going to marry her. I did ask her, she said yes, but then she left me for her co-worker. I was so heartbroken, I was almost unresponsive for a month. That was about a year and a half ago.

“Oh yeah, I remember her. I never liked her. She almost killed you, dude.”

“Thank you, Chizz, for opening old wounds.”

“Sorry.”

“I know, I know. It’s just… Lucy is so funny and cute and caring and smart… God, what’s wrong with me! I don’t want to end up like I was with JoAnne!”

“Sounds to me like you’re falling for a girl you just met. Which could be good or bad, I don’t know. I’m Australian, I can’t read the future. What should be a red flag is the kid!”

“The kid’s name is Parker! PARKER! And he’s a sweet little guy! I’m not worried about anything related to Parker at the moment, so neither should you!”

“Alright, alright. I’m trying to help, but I just don’t know.”

“I know. You just normally have the answer to everything. You’re like… my Oprah.”

“Can I be Dr. Phil instead? Oprah scares me.”

“No. You don’t have a mustache.”

“I’ll grow one.”

“Off topic! What do I do!”

“I don’t know, ask her out I guess. I don’t know what to do with a kid in the picture. How old is she, anyway?”

“I don’t know. Around my age.”

“With a kid?!”

“Michael, if you keep disrespecting Lucy and Parker like that-”

“I’m not trying to, Mike! I’m really not!”

“I know, I know! It’s just… God… I feel so protective of her! I don’t know her last name, I don’t know how old she is, but I feel like I would kill anyone who would try and hurt her and Parker.”

“Call her. Call her right now. If you feel that way already, you need to take Lucy out and see what happens.”

“What?! No!”

“What?”

“I can’t ask her out! I’ll fuck up somehow, and she’ll never want to talk to me again! I can’t let that happen!”

“You’ll never know until you take that girl out! I will give you $150 if you call her right now.”

“No!”

“CALL HER!”

“FINE, I WILL!” I sighed. “No, I won’t.”

“You want me to call her?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Then fucking do it. I’m going to bed, call me tomorrow.”

“Chizz-” *click* “Damn it!” I played with my phone in my hands. What to do, what to do. Call her? Wasn’t the rule, like, 3 days? Text her? Would that make me seem like a douche bag? Forget all about her and move on with my life?

At this point, with the way I was feeling, I sort of wished I could forget about Lucy. This feeling was scaring the shit out of me. I’d never felt this way before, ever. But I knew I never could forget about her. She was set into my mind forever. Her face, her smile, her eyes, her laugh, everything. I scrolled through my Contacts. There it was. Lucy. Lucy. Lucy. Press call, dammit!

“Come on, Carden. Man up, Jesus Christ! Come on, come on!” my hands trembled as I pressed the call button. Waiting for Lucy to answer was like waiting for death. What if she didn’t answer? What if-

She answered in two rings.

*****

“Parker, eat your grilled cheese.” I leaned against the counter and sighed. My mind had been racing since we’d gotten home. I couldn’t wait for Mike to call me. If he ever called me. He probably wouldn’t call me. I mean, why would he call me? I was nothing special to call.

“Your phone’s ringing, Mommy!” Parker bounced in his seat. He was just as anxious for Mike to call as I was. My hands shook a little as I pressed the talk button.

“H-Hello?”

“I-Is this Lucy?”

“Mike, hi.”

“Hey Luce.”

“MIKE!” Parker jumped up and tried to grab my phone. “Mike, Mike, Mike!”

“Is that Parker?” he laughed. I smiled.

“Yeah, here, let me put it on speaker.” I put the phone on speaker. “You still there?”

“Yeah, hey Park!”

“Hi Mike!”

“How are you?”

“I had grilled cheese for lunch!”

“Awesome! I haven’t eaten yet, actually. I was talking to my friend Michael.”

“But you’re name is Mike! And his name is Michael!”

“I know, right?” Parker laughed. I smiled. “How about I talk to you later, okay? I want to talk to your Mommy.”

“Okay! Bye!”

“Bye, bud.” I took the phone off speaker.

“Eat your carrots, baby.” I said to Parker and walked into the living room.

“Were you talking to me?” Mike said sarcastically.

“Oh, yeah, sure. Eat your veggies.” we both laughed.

“Uh, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Y-Yeah?” my heart started racing.

“Um… I-I was w-wondering… I-I don’t want to be f-forward… would you l-like… t-to… uh, go out to d-dinner with me t-tonight?”

“Uh, yeah! Of course!” No. No. No. No. I could NOT do this! I couldn’t go out with MIKE CARDEN!

“Oh, great! C-Can I have your address?” my voice was trembling as I told him where I lived. I couldn’t do this. I definitely couldn’t do this. I had butterflies, I felt like I was going to throw up! I knew I was going to screw this up, and he would never want to talk to me again! “Great, so I’ll see you around 6?”

“Y-Yeah, okay. Bye.”

“B-Bye.” I hung up and stared at my phone in astomishment. I’d just made a date with Mike Carden. Holy. Crap. I hit 2 on my speed dial.

“Hello-”

“ANNA! I need help!”

“What’s wrong! Is Parker okay!”

“I have a date tonight.”

“I’ll be there in 20.”

“Mom?” I gently shut the door behind me. The concert was fun. I’d tried to stay near the back of the venue so I could hear my phone. I watched Mike for most of the night. I felt good around him, even just looking at him. I felt okay with who I was.

Which seemed stupid on my part. It was a one in a million chance, Mike Carden letting me borrow his cell phone. It almost felt like a fan-girl thing, crushing on some guy I barely knew that was in a band.

But I’d watched him play After The Last Midtown Show. I watched him sway with the fans to the beat. It brought a smile to my face and my cell phone out of my pocket to wave like a lighter. After the show, I’d bought Fast Times At Barrington High and a couple shirts, keeping an eye out for Mike. I never saw him.

The lamp was on downstairs, and I could hear the TV on upstairs. I recognized the little figure curled up on the couch in his Bob The Builder pajamas, sleeping soundly. I tried to walk over without waking him, but the floorboard creaked. He sat up and yawned.

“Hi Mommy.” I sat down on the couch and smiled.

“Hey Parker. Why aren’t you in bed?”

“Grandma said I could wait for you!”

“Well, it’s way past your bedtime. Come on, Mommy is too tired to carry you. Time for bed. I got you a shirt.” he stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me upstairs. I could barely carry myself, even though I’d stood near the back. I was dirty, sweaty, and tired. I was also really hoping Parker would be in bed by now.

“What’s it look like?”

“You can look at it tomorrow after I wash it.”

“Mommy! I wanna see now!”

“No, Parker! It’s way past your bedtime. You should be asleep!” Parker was persistent when he wanted to be, but I was too tired to put up with it. He climbed into his bed. I turned on his soccer ball nightlight and kissed him. “I love you, Parker baby.”

“I love you Mommy.”

“Good night.”

“Mommy?”

“Yeah?”

“Where is Daddy?” the question caught me off guard. Yeah, I knew who his father was, Alex Greenwald. We dated in high school, he tricked me into thinking that I had to ‘prove’ that I loved him. I ended up pregnant, and he left town. I’d originally thought about giving the baby up, I knew I could never raise a child alone. But my friends and my Mom rallied around me and here I was today, with Parker. He’d never asked about his Dad, he just knew he wasn’t around.

And he had to choose the one night when I was tired as hell to ask me about Alex.

“Daddy wasn’t a very nice man. We’re better off without him, okay?” he nodded.

“Are you happy?”

“I am very happy, Parker. Because I have you, and I don’t know what I would do without you. Go to sleep now, okay? I love you.”

“I love you too, Mommy!” I shut his light off and walked into my room. Why did Parker ask about Alex? Did the topic come up at some point in the night? I didn’t need the stress of Parker asking about him. I was trying to find a steady job, and at least an apartment so I wouldn’t have to keep living at my Mom’s. I finished high school, but I was supposed to be in college. It was a pain in the ass to find a good job without a college education. I didn’t have time to do any college courses over the computer.

I walked into the bathroom and locked it; Parker had a tendency to barge in. I turned the water on as hot as I could take it, thinking about how I wanted to give my son the best life I could. But seeing at where I was in life, I didn’t know how it was going to happen. I didn’t want us to keep living here, but we really had no where else to go.

People told me at the beginning of my pregnancy that Parker was a mistake, that I could never raise a child without a father. Being the dumb-fuck teenager that I was, I disagreed, thinking that I didn’t need any help. But my life, my future, ended up being ruined.

I scrubbed off about a month’s worth of dirt and sweat from my skin. I felt so dirty for not even being in the midst of it! Anna, who’d pushed her way to the front, smelled disgusting! But she loved it. Because she could do it. I changed into some pajamas and stepped out, bumping into a little shadow.

“Parker?”

“I can’t sleep, Mommy.” I grabbed his hand. We walked into my room and crawled into bed. When Parker couldn’t sleep, it was normally because he had something on his mind that couldn’t go away. So something about Alex had come up and he couldn’t let it go.

“If you sleep in here, we’re going to be quiet and go to sleep, okay?” he snuggled into my side and nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mommy.” he squirmed. I sighed. It was going to be a long night.

*****

Parker was still asleep when I woke up. He slept like a rock sometimes. I kissed his forehead and walked downstairs. I went through my checklist of what needed to be done this morning: get Parker up and fed, load the dishwasher, laundry, basic picking up around the house.

I changed clothes around from the hamper to the washer, the washer to the dryer, the dryer to the basket. I pulled some eggs out of the fridge, Little Jackie blasted from my phone.

“Hello?”

“GOOD MORNING!”

“Hey Anna.”

“Wasn’t last night amazing? My ears are still buzzing! I got some great photos of everyone. You want any?”

“Did you get any of Mike?”

“Carden? Yeah, totally. He’s cute, huh?”

“Y-Yeah. He’s really nice too.”

“Say what?”

“Last night, when I went looking for a phone, he let me borrow his. I didn’t recognize him at first.”

“Quit yanking my chain. You met Mike?”

“Yeah.” my voice cracked. She sighed.

“Lucy… you like him, don’t you? Like, like.”

“No! I mean, I don’t think so.” it was a definite possibility, seeing as I’d never had feelings about anyone since Alex.

“Well, when you two get married, make sure to set me up with Bill, alright?”

“Whatever.”

“I think it’s cute-”

“Shut up, Anna.”

“You two would be adorable together-”

“ANNA!”

“Anna! I wanna talk!” I turned around. Parker was reaching up, trying to grab the phone. “Anna, Anna, Anna!”

“Is that my little man? Let me talk to him!” I sighed and gave him the phone.

“Hi Anna! Yes. Yes!” ha laughed. “Okay. I love you!” he gave me the phone back.

“What did you tell him?”

“Nothing. Just to be good for Mommy. Not to give you any shit, not to do drugs, always use a condom-”

“ANNA!!! HE’S 4!!!” (AN: Anna darling, I love you.)

“I’m kidding! God, chill, sweetie. You need a break. Have a little fun with Parker, take him to the park. Leave everything at home for a little bit, okay?” I sighed.

“Okay. I’ll talk to you later, I’m starting to burn the eggs. I love you.”

“Love you too, darling.” I hung up, set a plate of eggs on the table, and started the coffee maker. I made myself a plate and leaned against the counter to eat. Parker stood up to stand next to me, I shook my head.

“Nope. Eat at the table.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so. Want me to sit with you?” he nodded. I sat down and helped him hold his fork. I watched him giggle and eat, how cute he looked.

I picked him apart, separating Alex’s traits from mine. His mop of dark brown, almost black hair, my round baby face. My green eyes, his nose. His asthma, my likeable personality. Parker was a 50/50 of his Dad and I.

“Mommy?” I snapped back.

“Yeah?”

“You didn’t say anything.”

“Sorry. Hey, how’s about we go to the park?” his eyes lit up.

“Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

“Okay, okay!” I laughed and kissed his forehead. “You can’t wear your new shirt, though. It hasn’t been washed yet. Finish your breakfast, please.”

“Okay.” he ate his eggs and ran upstairs. I ran up after him. “Can I wear my fire truck shirt?!”

“Sure.” I pulled his clothes out of his dresser and helped him change. We walked into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. We walked downstairs, he sat down in his little Blues Clues chair while I turned the TV on to Nick Junior. I ran back upstairs and threw some jeans and a shirt on, no makeup. It felt right, not like last night. I felt like myself, I felt like a Mom.

“Can we go now?”

“Hold on, Parker.” I looked around for his inhaler.

“Mommy-”

“Parker, hold on sweetie. I have to find your inhaler.” he held it out to me. I smiled and kissed his cheek. “Thank you baby. Alright, let’s go.”

“Yay!” we walked out to the car and strapped him into the car seat. He hummed to himself and pointed out little animals that he spotted, like squirrels. Parker was an outdoorsy little guy, like his name. He loved running around and playing in leaves, he loved animals. I wished I was like him. When we got to the park, he was bouncing on his heels waiting for me. “Can I run off by myself?!”

“Ha ha, not even happening, sweetheart. See that field?” I pointed at a near empty field. “You can run around there. Stay where I can see you, okay? Let me know if you can’t breathe.”

“Okay!” he ran off after a squirrel. I sat down on a bench and pulled my book out of my bag.

“Jeez.” I muttered under my breath, looking up to see where Parker was. I looked to the left, I looked to the right. “Parker?” I called. I stood up and scanned the field. “Parker?!” I couldn’t see him. Where was he?! My thoughts raced, a van pulled out of the parking lot. Oh my God, oh my God, OH MY GOD!!! “PARKER!!!”

So, this is my first real attempt at a more ‘mature’ writing style. It’s short, but I really like it. I was listening to Take This To Your Grave when this was written, and this line caught me:

So, yeah, remember that. : )

*****

Well, here I was. Standing on the ledge of the bridge. Holding the railing, looking down at the water. It lapped against the jagged rocks against the bottom, kissing them, loving them. I wanted to be loved. I wanted that feeling of being loved.

I looked up at the full moon. It shone down on the bridge, the water, my car, me. It was beautiful. Just like him. He used to be my moon, my light, my safety beacon.

Or so I thought.

I remember how Ryan and I had first met. Through a friend. He was so cute, so nice, so sweet and so kind to me. He listened to me, he was able to talk to me. He said he could tell me things that he couldn’t tell anyone else. He made me feel special. He accepted my ‘immaturity,’ taking it as a positive. It felt like no one else could.

I knew I was falling for him fast in the beginning. It was weird for me, considering I had a girlfriend. But he made me feel so special, so unique. Haley… she could never make me feel the same. I loved her, but… Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. He still told me things:

I told him things back. I trusted him more then my own parents. He knew everything about me, I’d poured my heart and soul out to him.

Our relationship bloomed over the next year. I’d fallen in love with the older guy, and I’d never felt more insecure and ugly and scared in my entire life. He was my best friend, this amazing man, and I was this little immature kid. But he still had me hooked.

One night, I’d told Ryan I loved him. I expected him to resent me, to hate me, to ignore everything that we’d gone through together as band mates and friends. I told him I’d broken up with Cam so I could be with him forever. Note I had had a few drinks, because I had planned on never telling him. However, Ryan did not drink. He said that he had been thinking so much about it, and he loved me back.

I was soaring for the next seven months. We loved each other, we were on cloud nine together. It was the most amazing feeling, to hold his hand, to kiss him, to make love to him. Everything was falling into place.

Until it got more and more difficult to keep our relationship from the world, from Jon and Brendon. Being gay is looked down upon almost everywhere, and if something like that slipped out, everything would be ruined for the four of us.

Earlier tonight, Ryan showed up at my apartment drunk and high. He told me he never loved me, he hated me. He said that everything was a lie, a joke. He said I was a pig, that he could never love someone as ugly and disgusting as me.

I was already dealing with my own securities. I had been dealing with depression, drug and alcohol abuse. To hear him say things like that, that I was a pig, just made everything crash down. I grabbed a bottle of anti-depressants, a bottle of vodka, and ran out to my car.

So, again, here I was. Standing on the ledge of the bridge. I pulled the bottle out of my jacket pocket. The little pills sparkled in the light. I wanted it to work like this: If the jump didn’t kill me, the pills would. I popped the cap of the pill bottle off and dumped the contents into my mouth, chasing them down with a swig of vodka. It felt like a rock in my stomach, but it felt so damn good. Things would finally be okay.

“Spencer!” I heard a car down slam. I knew who it was.

“Leave me alone, Jon.”

“Spencer, please! Ryan-”

“I don’t care.” I threw the pill bottle behind my shoulder at him. “It’s too late. He doesn’t love me. Ryan does not love me.”

“Spencer, I’m sorry!” Ryan. “Please, Spence! I’m so sorry! I was drunk, I was high-”

“You still are. You meant what you said though, Ry. You led me on for a year and a half. And for what? Nothing. A sick game.”

“That’s not it at all, Spence! I was trying to figure things out with myself, what I wanted! I still love you like a brother, Spence, please believe that. Come down from the ledge and let us take you to a hospital!”

“No.”

“Look at me, Spence! Look at me! I still love you!” I turned around. He was gone. Ryan was gone, Jon was gone, Jon’s car was gone. No one was there. I was alone. No one had come for me, to save me. It was all in my head that someone would come and save me, and tell me that they loved me.

I looked down at the water, inching closer and closer to the ledge. It looked so tempting, so loving. I caught my reflection in the water. I was so ugly. I was a freak. No one could ever love me.

I didn’t want to face heartbreak anymore. I wasn’t someone who could deal with heartbreak. I was willing do devote my life to Ryan, my whole heart, everything. And it would never be worth it, because he would never be willing to do the same thing back.

I let go of the railing, and I let myself fall.

The water loved me. It washed over me, hugging me tight and letting me know it would be okay. It mixed with the blood, becoming one with me. The water, the love and I were one.